Letting Go of Guilt - Allow the Healing Power of Grief

About this time each year I start receiving calls from caregivers to discuss their “guilt” … regarding the holiday season.

Most often I hear something like:

“I feel so guilty that I want to go to my daughter’s home for the holidays but my husband cannot go.”

“I attended the yearly holiday concert we always enjoyed and I feel so guilty I went without my wife.”

“We always had a Thanksgiving dinner for all our family and friends and I feel so guilty I still want to host even though I know Sam cannot be there.”

As we begin to be curious about these feelings of guilt that are creating anxiety, we begin to see this as something more than guilt - we begin to uncover grief, masquerading as guilt.

Why would we label our emotions guilt vs grief?

Guilt and grief are both powerful human emotions… it is essential to understand their differences. In our feelings of guilt, we feel responsible for specific actions or an event. We believe that guilt can be made better with atonement or making amends. It is an action-oriented emotion, focused on a specific event or situation. Guilt can be resolved by acknowledgement, apology, or efforts to correct the situation.

Grief, on the other hand, is a profound emotional response to loss; it is a broader, more pervasive emotion. Grief encompasses a range of feelings, including sadness, anger, and confusion. It arises when something valuable or significant has been lost. Grief is a response to an irreversible loss and, importantly, it extends into the future as we adapt to life without what or who we have lost.

When we call our feelings guilt, we may believe that we can change things and create a different outcome. We may hold tight to the thought that we can do things differently, correct or adapt our behavior to change or avoid the negative impact of what we are feeling. Grief on the other hand is facing our loss. At times grief renders us feeling powerless, helpless, and trapped in an emotion that can feel like it is taking our breath, never ending.

Guilt can go hand in hand with grief, but holding ourselves responsible for perceived shortcomings adds a burden to our grief. Guilt has us believing we are doing something wrong or not making the correct choices. The fear of feeling sadness, grief and loss is avoided if we can change something. We feel empowered that a behavior or a thought can rid us of the painful emotion of grief.

The negative impact of holding on to guilt can result in denying ourselves basic care and avoiding potential joyful connections. Other impacts of guilt can lead to social isolation, getting angry with ourselves (and others), increasing our risk of depression and anxiety.

Guilt is a common part of grief. Remind yourself “I am not guilty I am grieving”. Guilt is a heavy burden in grief… we do not need to carry it forever on the journey of loss.

Author
Rebecca C. Harrison, LCSW, CDP is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in individual, couples, and family therapy. Rebecca maintains a private practice in McLean, Virginia.